Yesterday, I was having a walk around the campus with a good friend. It would have been one of those walks where I keep blabbering how I have nothing to do in life and the other person totally foreign to my condition, has no clue what I am talking about. Except that this time, it wasn’t.
Lately, I have become a lot more focused on spending each moment productively. Although that was also before I came to IIMA, the continuous rigour you are exposed to here only amplifies it. I can’t remember the last time I did not feel guilty for wasting time. Heck, sleep which used to be one of my favourite pastimes, now comes down to being only a necessity. There were times I absolutely loved sleeping, partly out of the curiosity to see what dreams I would get. I do not remember when that attitude morphed into Frank Underwood’s “I absolutely loathe the necessity of sleep. It puts the most powerful people on their backs.”
I am in the middle of watching Michael Sandel’s thought provoking lectures on Justice: What’s the right thing to do? One of the many brilliant ideas I liked was the idea of considering humanity as an end in itself, not just as a means to achieve something. It is against the utilitarian argument that whatever we do is only either to reduce pain or increase pleasure. Anyway, it’s relevance here is that I did not realise how I had inadvertently focused only on ‘achieving’ rather than ‘enjoying’.
I know this is a very misfit thought in a milieu of heated competitive spirits. The crazily smart and successful people that I see around here lead me to believe that I have to achieve success as quickly as possible else the world will just crush me into infinite unrecognisable pieces. This incredible fear of failure/embarrassment pushes me to always ‘invest’ my time into doing what could help me in future. Be it reading the Mint even though I hardly retain 1% of it or participating in competitions in fields I have no interest in. I do not know what prompted me to start watching those lectures even though I have a tough time understanding philosophy. I do not know what prompts me to go play everyday, even after consistent defeats. But whatever forces they were/are, I trust them to help me make my life worthwhile, not stupid pursuits of internally coerced productivity.
I am just 22. And as the friend yesterday advised, I will wait. Hungrily. And foolishly.